


On a Scale of 1 to America (How Free Are You Tonight?)

by Truetomorrow



Series: Sold My Soul to a Three-Piece [2]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bad Flirting, Bad Pickup Lines, Drabble that got out of hand, Happy fathers' day y'all, Kisses, M/M, dad jokes, fluff no plot, have some crack?, idek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 22:45:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11240847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Truetomorrow/pseuds/Truetomorrow
Summary: After weeks of Graves making bad dad jokes, Credence finally catches on that Graves is trying to flirt with him. Of course, he can only respond by flirting back the only way he knows how: bad pickup lines.





	On a Scale of 1 to America (How Free Are You Tonight?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [writingramblr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingramblr/gifts), [bluebeholder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebeholder/gifts).



> Y'all. This was supposed to be A DRABBLE. Like, max 100 words or something. As it is, I had to _stop_ myself from writing more. idek. Totally unbeta'd and barely even read-through xD
> 
> Hope you enjoy, thank you to everyone who encouraged me to write this. It didn't get nearly as silly or as smutty as it could have, so I mean, if anyone wants to write their own..... *winkwink/nudgenudge*

            With a groan, Graves stretches out and rubs at his eyes, and Credence glances away quickly, pretending to study his watch. “Sorry, it’s… it’s gotten late. I guess it’s time to head home.” He doesn’t want to leave, but can’t think of any excuses to keep them here longer.

            “I’ll drive you.” Graves and Credence are lounging on the only sofa in the coffee shop, the other chairs having been taken long before they arrived.

            Credence laughs and tilts his head to face Graves’ where they’ve been resting on the back of the sofa. “Drive me? I live two blocks from here.”

            "No, come on, it’s not a problem. Let me give you a ride.” Graves holds out an arm towards his car on the other side of the window they’ve been looking out of, as if Credence would have missed it. Or thought of another kind of ride the man could give him—not that it stopped his brain from going there, anyway. “Say, why do chicken coops only have two doors?” Credence blinks at him, not sure how to respond, or if he is even supposed to. “Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!"

            Credence slowly raises his head to stare at Graves who chuckles lightly to himself as they stand to head to the car. _What is going on here?_

* * *

 

            The next week, they are strolling aimlessly through the Target by Graves’ apartment, looking for nothing, but walking around with a nearly full shopping cart. They reach the kitchen section when Graves turns to him with a serious face, holding up two different teakettles. "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."

            A surprised laugh escapes Credence, even as he rolls his eyes at the awful joke.

* * *

             It’s been about a month of the odd behavior before Credence finally seeks out advice. Lunch with Queenie is one of his favorite weekly traditions, and he broaches the subject of Graves and his _awful_ jokes by repeating one of the most recent ones. Asking her if Graves could have hit his head or something.

            Queenie nearly sparkles as she giggles at Credence, tapping him on the nose, which causes him to go slightly cross-eyed watching it. “Sweet thing. He’s _flirting_ with you. Though why he’s decided dad jokes are the way to go about it, I have no clue.”

            Credence gapes at her as that sinks in. She can’t be right. Graves? Flirting with Credence? Immediately, Credence opens his mouth to argue.

            And yet… He sits up straight. “What should I _do_?” Queenie leans in conspiratorially.

            “Flirt back, of course.” Right. Flirt back. Sounds easy enough.

* * *

             Credence sucks in a deep breath, it’s now or never. "Do you have a Band-Aid? 'Cause I scraped my knee falling for you."

            Graves immediately freezes before doubling back to cup Credence’s cheek in his palm, his other hand dropping to rest on his shoulder, and his voice thick with concern.

            “You fell? Credence, are you ok? Here, take a seat. I think I have a bandage somewhere here…” Frustrated, and having lost his nerve, Credence shakes his head and tugs at the hand Graves had pressed to his cheek in an attempt to keep him moving.

            “No, no it’s fine. I just tripped. No falling.” Before he can beat himself up about the disaster that was his attempt at flirting, Graves slides his hand across Credence’s shoulders to rest his arm warm and comforting against his back, as if to offer extra support.

            All in all, it could have gone worse, Credence thinks, nervously wrapping an arm of his own around Graves’ waist in a loose hold that tightens when Graves doesn’t push it away.

            Reminding himself to breathe, Credence looks over at Graves, who just shoots him a quick smile and they continue walking.

* * *

             On his birthday a few weeks later, Credence opens the card Graves hands him to come face to face with… robots? He frowns gently, opening it to see if the message inside…? No, that doesn’t clarify anything.

            He smiles at Graves, trying to hide his confusion. “Hey, thanks, it’s really, uh…” The older man deflates slightly.

            “I thought it would be funny. You uh, you mentioned something about Transformers a few weeks back, and…”

            The memory slams into Credence, and he blushes.

            _A more than slightly tipsy Credence trying to flirt with Graves._ _"If you were a Transformer, you'd be Optimus Fine." Graves had laughed and suggested it was time to get Credence home. Credence had smiled coyly and let Graves lead him out to his car._

_He had woken up the next morning on Graves’ couch to the other man offering him a steaming mug of coffee before he headed in to work, asking Credence to lock up when he left._

            “Right! Yeah, sorry, I must have had a lot more to drink than I thought…” Credence cringes. That makes him sound like a drunk.

            But Graves just chuckles and wraps an arm around him in a quick hug, saying, “two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.” Credence can’t help but laugh with him, though it verges on hysterical as he can feel the heat of Graves’ body pressed against his, and Queenie jumps in with more presents before either of them can make it more awkward. Before Credence can make it more awkward.

            They don’t talk much more to each other one on one, but Graves finds some way to make sure to touch him for the rest of the night.

            Something needs to change.

* * *

             Credence wakes up on fathers’ day with an idea.

            It’s a bad idea, but can it really be worse than their other attempts at flirting? He pushes away the fear that this is just Graves’ sense of humor, that he isn’t flirting with Credence at all, and takes his place in line to pay for the card he’s grabbed.

            When he arrives at Graves’ apartment, the door opens before Credence can even knock, and Graves invites him in with an easy grin.

            “Credence! I wasn’t expecting you today, can I get you anything?”

            Credence coughs and hands the other man the envelope he’s been nearly crumpling in nerves. “I just. I just wanted to wish you a happy fathers’ day…”

            Graves glances at him, bemused, as he slips the card out. “But I’m not…” a pause, as Graves reads the card.

            “ _Daddy, Yoda Best_ ”

            His tongue flicks over his lips and he slowly opens the card to read the inside where Credence had scrawled “ _I’m no weatherman, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight._ ”

            Credence is distracted from trying not to hyperventilate when Graves whispers his name in something close to a growl, before stepping towards him. When he doesn’t move any closer, Credence suck in a breath and meets his eyes, which are nearly all pupil.

            Graves takes a shuddering breath before placing the card and envelope on the closest table and cupping Credence's jaw in both of his hands.

            "Thanks for the card, my boy." Credence blushes and tilts his head to nuzzle into Graves' palms.

            "Didn't want you to think I had forgotten about you, Daddy." Graves grins as he pulls Credence flush against his chest, and finally leans down to press their lips together. Credence moans and presses even closer, wrapping his arms around Graves' neck.

            Graves pulls back with a last nip at Credence’s bottom lip, voice hoarse as he asks, "how do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"

            Credence groans and pulls Graves in for another kiss. “Oh my God, please shut up.”

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> Absolutely just a silly little fluff piece :3 
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr: [My Tumblr](http://chryselephantinechaos.tumblr.com)
> 
> If anyone is wondering, I got almost all of the silly from these lists: [dad jokes](https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?utm_term=.nnk05KQYW#.vt0oNn4V5)  
> [bad pickup lines](http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1071251/bad-pickup-lines)


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